open your eyes.

Well.
Here we go again, September begins.

As much as I love the weather as winter begins to draw in, I really dislike this time of year. Everything goes wrong for me. Well, more than usual. As it gets cold, I begin to feel cold and really.. blank. I look back on the year gone by and I see way too many mistakes I swore I wouldn't make again from the year before that. And the year before that. And the year before that. But somehow, they still worm their way into my present life and I relive them, somehow.

I'm getting pretty fucked off with myself, to put it lightly.

I really really REALLY hate how I screw things up.
In life, there's so many roads, so many choices; but somehow, they always lead to mistakes.
And it's very well and good that you learn from your mistakes, but how many mistake is a person supposed to make before they become all knowing? :|
I mean, say, you go through one thing in life and it ends up in a terrible mess but it was a risk you had to take to begin with. The second time around, you're too afraid to take the risk because of what happened before: you think you're being clever. But then, you come to realise that you made a mistake in not taking the risk of making the same mistake again.
And so you end up stuck in this endless cycle of mistakes and "shoulda woulda couldas" and "what ifs" and "if onlys" that actually drive you up the wall and question just how much you think you know after it all.

And say once you've made this mistake, you miss the fate you're meant to have. Or maybe, mistakes are made for a reason, in order for you to realise your fate.
But what if they're not.
And you are just stuck living a life of mistakes and regrets that haunt you when you lie awake at night.

When does it stop being okay, and you're just a fool? It seems the older you get, the less you know.
I'm beginning to think children, so innocent and naive, are more or less on the right track.
And then we grew up.

I think the past is a beautiful thing, whether it was a year ago or yesterday.
Sometimes.
But other times, your past is rather inappropriately called your past, because it never really stays there. It comes back to haunt you, through a new lover, a new job, a new house, a new experience, something new, something in your present.

I'm a little tired of making mistakes.
Wasted chances, experiences, opportunities.
But I'm even more tired of it a routine, something I've grown accustomed to.

Never mind.
Friday tomorrow, last school day of the week, even though it's only been two days this week..

And as my aunty said:

"dont wish for the past..look to the future"
:)
xxx