PLANS :D!

Okay so I kinda need to write this down just as a self memoir.
On top of all the things I stated in my previous post that I need to do para mi on a more psychological level, I also need to do the following::

1. Sort out sleeping patterns
2. Kick the nasty coffee habit
3. Go to the gym at least three times a week, starting tomorrow
4. Restart dance again, starting 9th September
5. Get back into school mode.
   
6. Write those essays
7. Draw up an EPQ plan
8. Eat more healthily
9. Pierce my.. ;) Haha jk my cartilage
   
10. GO BACK TO TOKYO.

The last one is of particular importance, particularly after today.
I had the best driving lesson with all the bendy roads and whatnot as like my test routes, and basically we went to this freeway place and I hit 60mph (and nearly gave my instructor a heart attack) and actually properly drifted round the bend because I couldn't be bothered to slow down.. and it was the best thing I've ever done in my life. I was actually like DUDE I WANNA DO THAT AGAIN. (He told me never to do it again..)
And basically here's the deal.
My mum has an FTO, and she's always been one of these women who LOVES cars. Yes women can like cars too ya know. And that was the first car I've driven and it was like WOAH.
SO
Going back to my list, I wanna go back to Tokyo (where I was born, for those who didn't know).. to learn about street racing.
And go to the Disney store.
But more importantly, DRIVE.

Tomorrow I'm going to this car show con mi mama, and I'm SOSOSOSOSOOO EXCITED.

On a less OMG level, Tuesday, 9pm, Channel 5 = CSI TRILOGY. They all work together to solve this major case. And what does that mean? That means, Greg, Danny AND hot Miami guy whose name I don't know who has pointless lines like "this was a.. murder" and is probably just there to look hot will all be in one place at once. MMHM. ;)

Have faith.

So it's 6:53 am on Saturday and I cannot sleep.

Lying in bed I had a hundred million thoughts going through my head, as per usual. And I was contemplating and looking at my life and how it stands at present. Then it hit me.

Everything that's in my life, the fact it is the way it is is because of me.
This may sounds like an obvious concept, but think about it on a deeper level:: granted my childhood may have been beyond my control, but now I have no excuse. The good, the bad, everything, is down to me.

This whole thing came about from something I read earlier:

"if you see it in your mind, you're going to hold it in your hand."

It didn't mean much to me at the time, but lying in bed for hours you can't help but think things over.

Every thought I have, every word of negation I speak, every emotion I feel creates the circumstances that build up into life. Say, I keep worrying about getting the flu this weekend because my mum's got it. That's the only thing I'm focusing on, and I'll be damned if I don't get it. Whether you believe it or not, everything you think or feel or whatever is attracting whatever it is you think about to you.

I've built up thoughts of negation both towards myself and my circumstances. I find it hard believe in myself, I live in fear of most things and wonder if "it'll work out one day." No wonder nothing does work out.

Or has yet.

It's important to feel good, to feel good about you. To have faith. Like a line of dominos - you knock one down and they all fall down. You doubt, and your mind goes onwards and down into a spiral of, well, shit. And that sucks. Noone wants to be in a pile of shit.

I worry about everything I don't have, everything I think I can't do. But who's to say that I can't have what I want, I can't do what I want, be what I want, see what I want to see and go where I want to go? Noone. Noone but me.

I'm not religious - with no disrespect I've been angry at the supposed "God" since I was a kid. And I've had many reasons, to which I ask one question (Why), and no answer (Of course). So I stopped praying and I stopped believing and just constantly took the shit that came my way and the whole time that was all I was thinking about. And funny how it came to me, just like I expected.

I need to get out of this funk. The only way I can isn't by wishing upon stars and praying. I need to believe in myself and what I deserve. Because we're all born the same and we all deserve the life we want however big or small. Do anything and be anything we want

And that's what I need.

Faith.

Friday the 13th muahaha..and a thank you :)

SO I just quickly checked my facebook and I got a really, REALLY lovely message in my inbox that made me smile and really warmed my heart :)

There are a lot of horrible people in the world, but every once in a while, there's someone who, no matter where they are in the world, whether they know you well or not, or if they just pass you on the street, they'll surprise you. Either in something they say, or do, or whatever. And they could be totally unaware that they've had such a profound effect on you.

But to those people, I thank you.

I'm off to spend the rest of the day watching Disney movies and finishing my book.

Friday the 13th's also on later..although I won't lie I'm a bit too scared to watch it.

Until later friends, xoxo.

Confessions

I got these off a Tumblr website. None of them are mine, I just think they're awfully relevant nowadays.

9952.) I can’t believe the way people change, and forget you. How they have to try to be like other people and act like you’re not good enough anymore. They’re too cool for you now. Why do you have to be that way? Everyone should have room in their life to keep old and new friends; no one is superior to anybody else.

9907.) I wish you knew me. You’re the boy I’m looking for, like… you’re perfect to me. I wish you felt the same way about me. Be mine. (I absolutely don’t know who you are.)

9888.) The only happiness life brings me is when I see his name across my phone’s screen.

9887.) I’m bored of being alone

9884.) i fear intimacy.

9879.) When I grow up, I want my own car and my own apartment. I’ll use my car to run away from everything, and when there’s no place else to run, I’ll come back and hide in my apartment.

9859.) I just feel so incredibly alone. I really don’t know what to do.

9842.) I just want a friend that I don’t know. Someone who I ever met, someone who never heard of me. So they’ll get to know the real me. They won’t have an impression of what I am. I’ll show them what I am

9813.) i pretend to be arrogant and to think i’m better than everyone else when really i feel worthless in comparison. it’s my last hope

"71.) I hate it when my friend gets everything she wants even though she doesnt even work hard for it, and me? i work so effing hard for the things i want, and guess what? in the end i dont get them. eff."

"60.) Someday’s I just want to brutually beat the shit out of everyone in my way."

"76.) The only thing that really gets in the way of my happiness are my insecurities."

"93.) I don’t ever want to stop thinking that my prince charming is coming. But there are days when I feel like “THIS MIGHT BE HIM,” happy as I can be. And then there are those when I just look at the mirror and try to find out what’s wrong with me.."

"128.) The only that’s keeping me sane is the fact that I’m leaving in about two years. If I had to stay here any longer I’d probably kill myself."

174.) To all the people out there who are insecure, or scared they will never find their true love: keep believing. Keep hanging on. You are a wonderful person. Beautiful. Someday, any day, somebody out there will meet you and realize they have found their happiness. Don’t give up. You’re a treasure.

261.) I’m so afraid to put down the walls I have up that stop me from falling for someone.

293.) I get so involved in organizations for one reason, it keeps me so busy that I cannot think about my shortcomings when it comes to my love life. If I don’t have to be alone, I don’t have to think about what’s actually making me sad. Well, except for when I got to my room to sleep… falling asleep is a real bitch.

Love is key.

I'm gonna keep this short sweethearts: it's 3:34am to be precise and I've just got time for a quick blog whilst I'm finishing up my tea :)

So tonight, or at least last night, Thursday August 12th, was a BEAUTIFUL night.

http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2010/05aug_perseids/

It was the Perseid Meteor Shower, which happens every 133 years :D
I was (obviously) totally psyched and had my telescope out and everything.

And as I lay out in the grass, patiently waiting for these comets, I looked up into the clear night sky and there was a cool breeze gently blowing and all around everything was calm. Peaceful. Beautiful.

I just finished my meteor watching now, and mulling over some green tea, I've realised something.

This world is a beautiful place, and the most important thing is to never, ever stop seeing that. People populate this planet and hurt you, make you cry, say spiteful things and let you down. But it's the people that are ugly, not the world.

I have to admit I've had a very negative outlook on the world lately, but it is important to not let the world make you hard. You must be soft and always have love in your heart. You musn't let pain make you hate. You must never let the bitterness of others steal your sweetness. Because this world is a beautiful place, and in it there are some people who really will say the littlest things, and are trustworthy, honest and true. They're just a little hard to come by. But that doesn't matter, so long as you remain that way.

It's important to always believe in yourself, because noone else will. And yes this world can be so ugly at times, but it's important you open your eyes and see what's out there. Everything is within your reach and you can have and be everything you want to be.

So just hold on, just that little bit longer. Keep love alive, belief in your heart and that fire in your soul and I swear, someday we'll make it.

MOVIE NIGHT.

Hey folks :)

So I spent this evening watching all the Fast and Furious films. And by all, I mean I have the DVD box set and sat down with ice cream and watched every single one.

WOW:

http://uk.askmen.com/top_10/cars/top-10-ifast-furiousi-cars_10.html

I woulda said the Ford Mustang was better than 10th, but hey. And yes, I do have a fetish for a Skyline.

I want to be able to drive like that. SHET.

Like, seriously wanna be one of those street racers.

In one of these.

DOUBLE SHET.

and also:

I forgot a) how awesome these films are and b) how HOT they are.

WAWAWAAA.

Anyway, it's 3:40am and I have no idea what I'm doing blogging about at this hour.

Tata for now,

Charles.

xoxo