Have faith.

So it's 6:53 am on Saturday and I cannot sleep.

Lying in bed I had a hundred million thoughts going through my head, as per usual. And I was contemplating and looking at my life and how it stands at present. Then it hit me.

Everything that's in my life, the fact it is the way it is is because of me.
This may sounds like an obvious concept, but think about it on a deeper level:: granted my childhood may have been beyond my control, but now I have no excuse. The good, the bad, everything, is down to me.

This whole thing came about from something I read earlier:

"if you see it in your mind, you're going to hold it in your hand."

It didn't mean much to me at the time, but lying in bed for hours you can't help but think things over.

Every thought I have, every word of negation I speak, every emotion I feel creates the circumstances that build up into life. Say, I keep worrying about getting the flu this weekend because my mum's got it. That's the only thing I'm focusing on, and I'll be damned if I don't get it. Whether you believe it or not, everything you think or feel or whatever is attracting whatever it is you think about to you.

I've built up thoughts of negation both towards myself and my circumstances. I find it hard believe in myself, I live in fear of most things and wonder if "it'll work out one day." No wonder nothing does work out.

Or has yet.

It's important to feel good, to feel good about you. To have faith. Like a line of dominos - you knock one down and they all fall down. You doubt, and your mind goes onwards and down into a spiral of, well, shit. And that sucks. Noone wants to be in a pile of shit.

I worry about everything I don't have, everything I think I can't do. But who's to say that I can't have what I want, I can't do what I want, be what I want, see what I want to see and go where I want to go? Noone. Noone but me.

I'm not religious - with no disrespect I've been angry at the supposed "God" since I was a kid. And I've had many reasons, to which I ask one question (Why), and no answer (Of course). So I stopped praying and I stopped believing and just constantly took the shit that came my way and the whole time that was all I was thinking about. And funny how it came to me, just like I expected.

I need to get out of this funk. The only way I can isn't by wishing upon stars and praying. I need to believe in myself and what I deserve. Because we're all born the same and we all deserve the life we want however big or small. Do anything and be anything we want

And that's what I need.

Faith.